When Bygones Refuse To Be Bygones
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
We often get questions from sisters in faith who are struggling with a particular dilemma and don’t know how to handle it from a biblical perspective. One question we prayerfully answered a while back is a problematic scene that arises in this day and age with separated, divorced, split or estranged families. The question: how do you handle a funeral if there is someone who is a “difficult” loved one, or who is not welcome at the funeral or memorial?
Losing a loved one can be such a painful time for families and friends. Having so many different emotions with losing someone they hold dear, tempers may sometimes flair without intention. Most people will feel that powerfully strong need to say a “final farewell,” and yet it can be complicated by emotions of individuals or by past difficulties that have yet to be worked out.
Sadly, the loss of a loved often reminds us that life here on earth is short, and that Yahweh’s teachings should become more a part of our lives. This is often the time where many suddenly recognize they want to find ways to “let bygones be bygones.” It may become a time for some to earnestly try to put the past behind them. There are some families, though, struggling with moving on and it is just not possible to settle things because some are not ready to let go of past offenses. There are other times when it is just that the memorial or funeral is not the optimal place to address the problem because one or more of the parties involved is not ready yet to let go of hurt, anger or bitterness.
Whatever the reason, how do you accommodate as many people as possible in the mourning process, while attempting to keep the peace?
We have a simple suggestion from personal experience that may help.
My own family struggled with this when we lost a loved one who had a falling out decades before with one of his sisters. When he passed away, this estranged sister was devastated that they had never forgiven each other. She so wanted just a few moments to say goodbye to her brother, and to ask forgiveness of those who were willing to listen. Sadly, most of the family was too bitter and angry, hanging onto the past “sins” and offenses, and was unwilling to listen to her plea.
She was elderly, and I had offered, as did my oldest children, to go to the funeral home the day before the memorial to allow her private time to say her goodbyes. I have to say, she and I had not seen each other in decades and had no relationship. Plus, socially, we had different personalities, and we traveled in different circles. If we were to meet somewhere and strike up conversation, she is not someone I would have chosen to draw into my personal circle of friends. Yet she was family, and to me, God’s principles were more important here. Forgiveness needed to be allowed.
What I did not intend to happen played out angrily, though, as my attempts to do what was right caused so much drama with other family members. My suggestions of allowing her to have some personal time before the large memorial were not well received, there was some screaming and yelling, and it was forbidden for me to allow her to say her goodbyes. I was taken aback, because I believed it had been long enough and forgiveness was needed - on all sides. She actually seemed to be the only one willing to move forward, the only one willing to ask for forgiveness.
She was a great example to me, and I willingly forgave her on behalf of my family, even though they are still angry to this day. In the end, being forbidden to see her brother to say goodbye it caused her so very much unnecessary pain for years to come. She died years later, still hurting that she had never been granted forgiveness by the rest of family here on earth.
Death is so complicated for some, which is sad because life is challenging enough. It is troublesome when people allow death to bring out such bitterness from within us when we have the capability of being so much better than that. I sometimes wonder how her heart would have healed had she been given that moment to say goodbye and that simple act of loving kindness.
When faced with a similar situation, I pray you may recall some of our experience and that it will help you. Being that you are the believer in Yeshua, and the follower of His teachings, may you remember to ask yourself what you can do to facilitate the best possible situation for the most people.
Is there a way that those who do not get along may be allowed to visit the funeral home BEFORE the rest of the family and friends? Maybe you could reach out to those involved and talk about what might be best for THE ENTIRE FAMILY. For the estranged family member(s), schedule a time when others will not be there. Involve the funeral director in this process - they have worked through things like this before. They may even have more suggestions to help smooth things over in the family. They can also help should a situation of drama crop up, which may honestly happen. If necessary, the employees at the funeral home can have people cordoned off to an office area or even removed, if necessary.
During the process of mourning, we could all take heart to listen to the words in Colossians 3:1-15.
Blessings and Shalom.
Audio Blog Now Available
When Bygones Refuse to be Bygones
2 Timothy 3:1-5 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
Yahweh (God) wants us to do our absolute best to keep the words in Matthew 5 where we are told to love those who hate us, and we are to do our absolute best to go two miles with them when asked to do one. There are those rare occasions, though, when we must discern whether it is better to keep them in our lives, or to step away for a time so that we can regain our whole selves and our spirituality. Sometimes, people are toxic to us, and they suck the life out of us.
We don’t intend for it to happen, but their negativity or sinful hearts weigh us down preventing us from growing spiritually. These are the times when we need to recharge by spending time in the Spirit and in prayer to Yahweh because this decision should not be taken lightly.
IF we need to walk away for a time, we should ALWAYS forgive them - and I mean a deep and pure forgiveness as we would wish to be granted. It can be difficult to do this, especially when we have been truly hurt. But for our own well being and for our need to be healed spiritually, we must forgive.
Some will teach that a part of that forgiveness is to put yourself back in harms way again by continuing to associate with the negative person, yet as 2 Tim says, HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH SUCH PEOPLE. What people? Those who exhibit and cannot control any of these traits: “lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. . .”
During this time away, it is very important to place those people in the hands of Yahweh. Continue to pray for them. Ask Yahweh to help them with a soft heart, and to impress upon them what their issues might be. Since your influence may not have been helpful for the person, it is also good to pray that Yahweh place in their life someone who CAN influence them to follow Him that they may be more like Yeshua’s example while he dwelled on earth.
There are personality conflicts that just happen in life. We may not be the right fit for friendship with another person, but someone else may be. It is important to be able to recognize when you are not being a positive influence in someone else’s life, too. This may be one of those times when someone else may have a better impact in their lives. Pray that Yahweh arrange for that to happen.
Also pray for yourself. To overcome any and all seeds of bitterness, anger, frustration, or negativity toward the other person. So that you see them with pure love and forgiveness. There may come a day when the door opens to that relationship again. Be spiritually ready for that day, and remember to hold no ill will or grudge for the other person. Remember - as Yahweh works on your heart, he is able to work on theirs as well.
Blessings and Shalom.
Audio Blog Now Available
Letting Go and Letting Yahweh Handle Things - Negative People
Searching for Something?
NOTE: Comments may be closed on most posts. In lieu of comments we asked that you use our contact form, or contact us by social media.
Partner with our work with a donation of $10 or more to help spread our message of truth and hope for all women. Thank you.
Lead Author (Bio)
Jim, (Judi's husband), has Sephardi Jewish ancestry and is a minister and head of Shofar Productions. Jim was a denominational pastor, hospital chaplain, and former director of a non-profit community organization.
Torah For Women
Compensation Disclosure: We participate in affiliate programs and are compensated. Therefore, if any reviews are given on this site they should not be considered unbiased reviews or an unbiased endorsement. Your purchase helps support our work so we will actively market and suggest products we are compensated for. We do are best to find trusted companies to affiliate with, but you are required to do your own due-diligence with any product or service prior to purchasing. We are not responsible for third-party actions, inaction, promises, guarantees, delivery, payment processing, or handling of your information, or after-sale service or support. Use of this site is your agreement to all the terms posted here or linked.
Scripture use: Whenever possible we will use the following Public Domain versions; the King James (KJV), Youngs Literal Translation (YLT), or World English Bible (WEB) versions. However, for greater clarity we may use other copyright versions of the scriptures by permission or under fair use. Click Here to see copyright information and statements for each version.