Should I Call My Husband Lord & Master?
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All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, King James Version (KJV), World English Bible (WEB) and Young’s Literal Translation (YLT), which are all in the Public Domain. Please enjoy this and other free ebooks available on TorahforWomen.com and ShofarProductions.com
Published by Shofar Productions
www.shofarproductions.com
All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, King James Version (KJV), World English Bible (WEB) and Young’s Literal Translation (YLT), which are all in the Public Domain. Please enjoy this and other free ebooks available on TorahforWomen.com and ShofarProductions.com
Preface
This book may sound like a strange title or a strange topic to discuss, but this book is the result of being made aware that some men are actually demanding their wives call them lord and master. I know you’re probably shouting “no way!!! This has to be a joke!!!” That’s what we thought when we heard it, but then we found out it's not only very real but sadly, it appears to be a growing trend among believers.
How can this happen you ask? This is the result of men and women pulling a scripture out of its biblical context, not understanding the author's intended message, not understanding the cultural and historical context, and not looking at the root meaning of the Greek, Aramaic, or Hebrew words used in the scriptures.
Out of over 31,000 verses in the Bible, people make the mistake of pulling out two or three bible verses and use them to build an entire doctrine around it. The scriptures cannot be studied this way. We need the fullness of the scriptures to understand the entire message, purpose, and will of God.
What we hope to do through this book, is to not only refute this flawed teaching and practice, but we also hope to give our readers an example of how we investigated this matter and studied the scriptures to come up with our conclusion.
We encourage our readers to go beyond just reading our conclusion, but also to study the matter for themselves. Use our conclusions as a guide, but you should be convinced of the truth after you personally study the matter yourself.
“Let everyone be fully assured in his own mind.” Romans 14:5
How can this happen you ask? This is the result of men and women pulling a scripture out of its biblical context, not understanding the author's intended message, not understanding the cultural and historical context, and not looking at the root meaning of the Greek, Aramaic, or Hebrew words used in the scriptures.
Out of over 31,000 verses in the Bible, people make the mistake of pulling out two or three bible verses and use them to build an entire doctrine around it. The scriptures cannot be studied this way. We need the fullness of the scriptures to understand the entire message, purpose, and will of God.
What we hope to do through this book, is to not only refute this flawed teaching and practice, but we also hope to give our readers an example of how we investigated this matter and studied the scriptures to come up with our conclusion.
We encourage our readers to go beyond just reading our conclusion, but also to study the matter for themselves. Use our conclusions as a guide, but you should be convinced of the truth after you personally study the matter yourself.
“Let everyone be fully assured in his own mind.” Romans 14:5
1 Peter 3:6, what people think it says
“As Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose children you now are, if you do well, and are not put in fear by any terror.” 1 Peter 3:6 WEB
From this single verse, men are demanding their wives call them lord. The claim is that it’s a biblical tradition and an act of respect that God commands wives to perform. Men will point out that in 1 Peter 3:1-6, the apostle Peter was quoting the Torah (the first five books of the bible) and ordering wives to be submissive by addressing their husbands with a proper title:
“In the same way, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; so that, even if any don't obey the Word, they may be won by the behavior of their wives without a word; seeing your pure behavior in fear. Let your beauty be not just the outward adorning of braiding the hair, and of wearing jewels of gold, or of putting on fine clothing; but in the hidden person of the heart, in the incorruptible adornment of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God very precious. For this is how the holy women before, who hoped in God also adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands: as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose children you now are, if you do well, and are not put in fear by any terror.” 1 Peter 3:1-6 WEB
Men will use the apostle Peter's Torah example from Genesis 18:12, to prove Sarah did in fact call Abraham her lord:
“Sarah laughed within herself, saying, "After I have grown old will I have pleasure, my lord being old also?"
Men might also use other biblical examples to support their claim, such as Hannah the mother of Samuel the prophet, calling Eli, the high priest and judge of Israel, “my lord”. “Hannah answered, "No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I poured out my soul before Yahweh.” 1 Samuel 1:15 WEB
They might also point to Rebekah (wife of Isaac), who called the servant of Abraham “my lord.” “She said, "Drink, my lord." She hurried, and let down her pitcher on her hand, and gave him drink” Genesis 24:18 WEB.
The question is: do these scriptures really prove a wife is commanded to call her husband lord or master as some men claim?
From this single verse, men are demanding their wives call them lord. The claim is that it’s a biblical tradition and an act of respect that God commands wives to perform. Men will point out that in 1 Peter 3:1-6, the apostle Peter was quoting the Torah (the first five books of the bible) and ordering wives to be submissive by addressing their husbands with a proper title:
“In the same way, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; so that, even if any don't obey the Word, they may be won by the behavior of their wives without a word; seeing your pure behavior in fear. Let your beauty be not just the outward adorning of braiding the hair, and of wearing jewels of gold, or of putting on fine clothing; but in the hidden person of the heart, in the incorruptible adornment of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God very precious. For this is how the holy women before, who hoped in God also adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands: as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose children you now are, if you do well, and are not put in fear by any terror.” 1 Peter 3:1-6 WEB
Men will use the apostle Peter's Torah example from Genesis 18:12, to prove Sarah did in fact call Abraham her lord:
“Sarah laughed within herself, saying, "After I have grown old will I have pleasure, my lord being old also?"
Men might also use other biblical examples to support their claim, such as Hannah the mother of Samuel the prophet, calling Eli, the high priest and judge of Israel, “my lord”. “Hannah answered, "No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I poured out my soul before Yahweh.” 1 Samuel 1:15 WEB
They might also point to Rebekah (wife of Isaac), who called the servant of Abraham “my lord.” “She said, "Drink, my lord." She hurried, and let down her pitcher on her hand, and gave him drink” Genesis 24:18 WEB.
The question is: do these scriptures really prove a wife is commanded to call her husband lord or master as some men claim?
Genesis 18:12, what did Sarah really call Abraham?
“Sarah laughed within herself, saying, "After I have grown old will I have pleasure, my lord being old also?" Genesis 18:12 WEB
1 Peter says: “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord,” which she did in her mind. In other words, the scripture men use as a proof text (Genesis 18:12), is not an example of Sarah actually speaking to Abraham calling him “my lord.” Sarah was only speaking to herself in her mind.
In the Septuagint (The Greek version of the Old Testament), the word for “lord” which Sarah used in Genesis 18:12, is kurios / kyrie, which was a common expression of respect: “my lord,” “master,” “sir,” or “mister [Mr.].” This is similar to the expression of respect we use today [ie; Good morning Sir, Yes Sir, May I help you Sir?, Mister Jones, Mr. Jones, etc.]. This is also, the same Greek word [kurios] used in 1 Peter 3:6.
We can see examples of this term of respect being used in the New Testament:
“…A centurion came to him [Yeshua], asking him, and saying, "Lord,[kurios] my servant lies in the house paralyzed, grievously tormented.” Matthew 8:5-6 WEB
“The servants of the householder came and said to him, 'Sir, [kurios] didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where did this darnel come from?'” Matthew 13:27 WEB
“But what do you think? A man had two sons, and he came to the first, and said, 'Son, go work today in my vineyard.' He answered, 'I will not,' but afterward he changed his mind, and went. He came to the second, and said the same thing. He answered, 'I go, sir,' [kurios] but he didn't go.” Matthew 21:28-30 WEB
“Now on the next day, which was the day after the Preparation Day, the chief priests and the Pharisees were gathered together to Pilate, saying, "Sir, [kurios] we remember what that deceiver said while he was still alive: 'After three days I will rise again.' Command therefore that the tomb be made secure…” Matthew 27:62-64 WEB
“He spoke this parable. ‘A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it, and found none. He said to the vine dresser, 'Behold, these three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, and found none. Cut it down. Why does it waste the soil?' He answered, 'Lord or Sir [kurios], leave it alone this year also, until I dig around it, and fertilize it. If it bears fruit, fine; but if not, after that, you can cut it down.'" Luke 13:6-9 WEB
“Now there were certain Greeks among those that went up to worship at the feast. These, therefore, came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida of Galilee, and asked him, saying, "Sir [kurios], we want to see Jesus." John 12:20-21 WEB
From these six verses, we can see that “kurios” is a common salutatory expression. John 12:20-21 shows that it does not have to be used between a subordinate and a superior, but it can just be a respectful way to address a fellow man in general. Therefore, this and the other verses all prove that the usage was not limited to a husband and wife relationship as some men imply, but it was also used between men, even if the men were equals.
Even when we look at the Hebrew text used in Genesis 18:12, we see the word “adon”, for “lord” [Strongs Hebrew #113], has the same meaning, definition and usage as the Greek word “kurios,” for “lord” [Strongs Greek #2962], which is nothing more than a cultural expression of respect.
Examples of “adon” usage in the Old Testament (Tanakh) include the following:
1. Joshua calls Moses “adon (lord)”, in Numbers 11:28 YLT version:
“And Joshua son of Nun, minister of Moses, one of his young men, answereth and saith, 'My lord Moses, restrain them.'”
Joshua would later replace Moses and lead the Children of Israel.
2. Aaron called Moses “adon (lord)”, in Numbers 12:11 WEB version:
“Aaron said to Moses, "Oh, my lord, please don't count this sin against us, in which we have done foolishly, and in which we have sinned.”
Aaron was the older brother of Moses, but Aaron was showing respect to the office Moses held.
3. Jacob called Esau “adon (lord)”, in Genesis 32:4 WEB version:
“He commanded them, saying, "This is what you shall tell my lord, Esau: 'This is what your servant, Jacob, says. I have lived as a foreigner with Laban, and stayed until now.”
Jacob obtained the birthright (Genesis 25:33), and was “master” over Esau (Genesis 27:37), but Jacob didn’t demand his brother call him master. Instead, Jacob called his brother “adon or lord” to show respect for his brother, to develop peace among them and heal their broken relationship. Jacob uses this salutation, but he is not subservient to Esau. This proves once again that this salutation is a cultural expression of respect and does not always signify superiority.
These scriptures are clear evidence that this salutation is not exclusively used in a husband and wife relationship. Therefore, if men are going to demand their wives show them respect by calling them “lord” or “master,” then why don’t the men call their boss at work lord? Why don’t these men follow call the leaders in their church or assembly lord? Why don’t they call their older brother lord or master? How is it that a man can command his wife to call him lord or master, based off one or two scriptures, but this man will neglect an even greater amount of scripture that shows men calling each other lord and master?
Men, remember what Yeshua said about demanding things from other people, but not doing them yourself:
“For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you” Matthew 7:2 WEB
To demand something from your wife that you’re not willing to do yourself is called hypocrisy.
1 Peter says: “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord,” which she did in her mind. In other words, the scripture men use as a proof text (Genesis 18:12), is not an example of Sarah actually speaking to Abraham calling him “my lord.” Sarah was only speaking to herself in her mind.
In the Septuagint (The Greek version of the Old Testament), the word for “lord” which Sarah used in Genesis 18:12, is kurios / kyrie, which was a common expression of respect: “my lord,” “master,” “sir,” or “mister [Mr.].” This is similar to the expression of respect we use today [ie; Good morning Sir, Yes Sir, May I help you Sir?, Mister Jones, Mr. Jones, etc.]. This is also, the same Greek word [kurios] used in 1 Peter 3:6.
We can see examples of this term of respect being used in the New Testament:
“…A centurion came to him [Yeshua], asking him, and saying, "Lord,[kurios] my servant lies in the house paralyzed, grievously tormented.” Matthew 8:5-6 WEB
“The servants of the householder came and said to him, 'Sir, [kurios] didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where did this darnel come from?'” Matthew 13:27 WEB
“But what do you think? A man had two sons, and he came to the first, and said, 'Son, go work today in my vineyard.' He answered, 'I will not,' but afterward he changed his mind, and went. He came to the second, and said the same thing. He answered, 'I go, sir,' [kurios] but he didn't go.” Matthew 21:28-30 WEB
“Now on the next day, which was the day after the Preparation Day, the chief priests and the Pharisees were gathered together to Pilate, saying, "Sir, [kurios] we remember what that deceiver said while he was still alive: 'After three days I will rise again.' Command therefore that the tomb be made secure…” Matthew 27:62-64 WEB
“He spoke this parable. ‘A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it, and found none. He said to the vine dresser, 'Behold, these three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, and found none. Cut it down. Why does it waste the soil?' He answered, 'Lord or Sir [kurios], leave it alone this year also, until I dig around it, and fertilize it. If it bears fruit, fine; but if not, after that, you can cut it down.'" Luke 13:6-9 WEB
“Now there were certain Greeks among those that went up to worship at the feast. These, therefore, came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida of Galilee, and asked him, saying, "Sir [kurios], we want to see Jesus." John 12:20-21 WEB
From these six verses, we can see that “kurios” is a common salutatory expression. John 12:20-21 shows that it does not have to be used between a subordinate and a superior, but it can just be a respectful way to address a fellow man in general. Therefore, this and the other verses all prove that the usage was not limited to a husband and wife relationship as some men imply, but it was also used between men, even if the men were equals.
Even when we look at the Hebrew text used in Genesis 18:12, we see the word “adon”, for “lord” [Strongs Hebrew #113], has the same meaning, definition and usage as the Greek word “kurios,” for “lord” [Strongs Greek #2962], which is nothing more than a cultural expression of respect.
Examples of “adon” usage in the Old Testament (Tanakh) include the following:
1. Joshua calls Moses “adon (lord)”, in Numbers 11:28 YLT version:
“And Joshua son of Nun, minister of Moses, one of his young men, answereth and saith, 'My lord Moses, restrain them.'”
Joshua would later replace Moses and lead the Children of Israel.
2. Aaron called Moses “adon (lord)”, in Numbers 12:11 WEB version:
“Aaron said to Moses, "Oh, my lord, please don't count this sin against us, in which we have done foolishly, and in which we have sinned.”
Aaron was the older brother of Moses, but Aaron was showing respect to the office Moses held.
3. Jacob called Esau “adon (lord)”, in Genesis 32:4 WEB version:
“He commanded them, saying, "This is what you shall tell my lord, Esau: 'This is what your servant, Jacob, says. I have lived as a foreigner with Laban, and stayed until now.”
Jacob obtained the birthright (Genesis 25:33), and was “master” over Esau (Genesis 27:37), but Jacob didn’t demand his brother call him master. Instead, Jacob called his brother “adon or lord” to show respect for his brother, to develop peace among them and heal their broken relationship. Jacob uses this salutation, but he is not subservient to Esau. This proves once again that this salutation is a cultural expression of respect and does not always signify superiority.
These scriptures are clear evidence that this salutation is not exclusively used in a husband and wife relationship. Therefore, if men are going to demand their wives show them respect by calling them “lord” or “master,” then why don’t the men call their boss at work lord? Why don’t these men follow call the leaders in their church or assembly lord? Why don’t they call their older brother lord or master? How is it that a man can command his wife to call him lord or master, based off one or two scriptures, but this man will neglect an even greater amount of scripture that shows men calling each other lord and master?
Men, remember what Yeshua said about demanding things from other people, but not doing them yourself:
“For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you” Matthew 7:2 WEB
To demand something from your wife that you’re not willing to do yourself is called hypocrisy.
Was Sarah Abrahams subordinate?
The simple answer is no. We suggest you read our other book titled: “Answers for Men about Women from a Man,” to learn more about the role of men and women and the issue of submission. In that book you will see that the husband and wife are designed to be partners in life, fulfilling the mission and call of God together.
It was sin and the fall that caused men to rule over women, but God had other plans for husbands and wives. His plan is for the two of them to be one, to be co-heirs and partners. Yes, he did place man as a steward over the home, to watch over, serve, guide and protect his wife and children, but God never created little dictators. The same is true with wives. God did not create a woman to rule over men and turn her husband into her personal puppet. The wife should appreciate and respect the fact that God assigned a guardian-protector over her, who will love her, guide her and shield her. The husband should also count on his wife to be his shield, confidant, and a witness to confirm spiritual matters, support and a co-worker in their ministry.
What men tend to do is look at 1 Peter 3:6 and Genesis 18:12 and only see a submissive woman, with a slave-like mentality, serving her husband and fearfully calling him master and lord. For those who can’t see beyond this misinterpretation of scripture, let’s look at the true context about the life and marriage of Sarah and Abraham to get an accurate perspective. I doubt you will see a woman who is a slave to a dictator like husband.
1. God renamed Sarah – “God said to Abraham, "As for Sarai your wife, you shall not call her name Sarai, but her name will be Sarah. I will bless her, and moreover I will give you a son by her. Yes, I will bless her, and she will be a mother of nations. Kings of peoples will come from her." Genesis 17:15-16 WEB
Sarah’s name is rooted in the Hebrew word “sar” which means: chieftain, chief, ruler, official, captain, prince. Her name is the female version of a prince/ruler, which would be a princess/ruler. God said he would bless her and will make her the mother of nations and kings, which includes the Messiah who will come from her.
2. God told Abraham to listen to his wife – “God said to Abraham, "Don't let it be grievous in your sight because of the boy, and because of your handmaid. In all that Sarah says to you, listen to her voice. For from Isaac will your seed be called.” Genesis 21:12 WEB
Men, this proves God will speak through your wife when you need direction or fail to see the truth.
3. King Abimelech speaks direct to Sarah to compensate her – “To Sarah he said, "Behold, I have given your brother a thousand pieces of silver. Behold, it is for you a covering of the eyes to all that are with you. In front of all you are vindicated." Genesis 20:16 WEB The king addressed her directly, apologized to her directly.
4. Sarah maintained her own residence - It appears later in their lives that Abraham lived in Beersheba (Genesis 22:19) and Sarah may have maintained her own residence in Hebron (Genesis 23:2). The scriptures don’t tell us why or how long this separate residence occurred. Regardless of the length or reason for these separate locations, it just shows that Sarah was not relegated to being subservient to Abraham, but may have run her own household as he did.
We can see in scriptures that Abraham and Sarah did have their differences and that on at least one occasion God told Abraham to obey his wife when Abraham was wrong. God also confirmed her name as princess (chieftain, chief, and ruler), and to God names are very important in pointing to a person’s calling or destiny.
We say all this not to encourage rebellion and strife among a husband and wife, nor do we imply equality in the sexes, nor do we promote feminism, or suggest a wife should usurp authority over a husband. However, we feel there is a contextual pattern of evidence in the scriptures that proves our traditional mindset about the role of women is very different from the scriptural truth.
We see a pattern of partnership and cooperation between husbands and wives and not a bunch of men acting as dictators making women meaningless, bound, and silent. We also see when men fail to do right, then women have traditionally stepped up to do what needs to be done or say what needs to be said and God typically standby these women who standby his word and will. “For there is no partiality with God” Romans 2:11 WEB.
Like Sarah, who corrected Abraham when he was wrong, we can also find another example of God working through a wife when her husband was not doing right or operating outside the will of God. We list these examples just to show there is scriptural context showing God will go over the heads of men (the stewards of the family), when men are wrong. We have other examples, but we feel Sarah and Abigail will get the point across.
The example of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25:
“There was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel. Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail; and the woman was of good understanding, and of a beautiful face: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings” 1 Samuel 25:2-3 WEB.
Here we can see that the Abigail was a woman who was good, intelligent, understanding and wise, but her husband was wicked, stubborn and harsh.
David sent messengers to Nabal requesting help and provisions, but his reply back to David’s messengers was very arrogant and a complete refusal to help David and his men.
“Nabal answered David's servants, and said, "Who is David? Who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants who break away from their masters these days. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my meat that I have killed for my shearers, and give it to men who I don't know where they come from?" 1 Samuel 25:10-11 WEB.
But then word got back to his wife Abigail about how Nabal treated David’s messengers:
“But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, ‘Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to Greet our master; and he railed at them. But the men were very good to us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we anything, as long as we went with them, when we were in the fields. They were a wall to us both by night and by day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep. Now therefore know and consider what you will do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his house; for he is such a worthless fellow that one can't speak to him’.’’ 1 Samuel 25:14-17 WEB
What did Abigail do? Traditional Christianity, Hebrew Roots, or Messianic Judaism might advise Abigail to obey her husband regardless of his wickedness. They would point to scriptures about wives being submissive to their husbands, keeping silent and even if her husband is not a believer Abigail must obey him in everything he tells her to do. However, this is what tradition and human opinion tells us to do after they twist scriptures. So, do we follow tradition and twisted teaching, or should we follow the example of Abigail from what the word of God tells us Abigail actually did? Examples like Abigail’s are given to us to teach and admonish us to do what is right: “Now all these things happened to them by way of example, and they were written for our admonition, on whom the ends of the ages have come” 1 Corinthians 10:11 WEB.
So, did Abigail follow her wicked husband or did she follow her heart and do what she knew was right? Here’s the answer:
“Then Abigail hurried and took two hundred loaves of bread, two bottles of wine, five sheep ready dressed, five measures of parched grain, one hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on donkeys. She said to her young men, "Go on before me. Behold, I come after you." But she didn't tell her husband, Nabal. It was so, as she rode on her donkey, and came down by the covert of the mountain, that behold, David and his men came down toward her; and she met them” 1 Samuel 25:18-20 WEB
She went against her husband’s wickedness, piled up food and provisions and covertly met David and his men. Why did she do it? Because Abigail recognized that God was on David’s side and that David was destined to be king:
“Please don't let my lord regard this worthless fellow, even Nabal; for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name, and folly is with him; but I, your handmaid, didn't see the young men of my lord, whom you sent… It shall come to pass, when Yahweh has done to my lord according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you, and shall have appointed you prince over Israel, that this shall be no grief to you, nor offense of heart to my lord, either that you have shed blood without cause, or that my lord has avenged himself. When Yahweh has dealt well with my lord, then remember your handmaid." 1 Samuel 25:25, 30-31 WEB
What happened between Nabal and Abigail when he found out? The scriptures tell us:
“Abigail came to Nabal; and behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken. Therefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light. It happened in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, that his wife told him these things, and his heart died within him, and he became as a stone. It happened about ten days after, that Yahweh struck Nabal, so that he died.” 1 Samuel 25:36-38 WEB.
Yahweh defeated Nabal’s wickedness and as a result he died. So, was Abigail right in what she did? Well even David confirms judgment fell on Nabal, but the scriptures never condemn Abigail’s actions even though she disobeyed her wicked husband’s wishes.
“When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "Blessed is Yahweh, who has pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and has kept back his servant from evil. Yahweh has returned the evildoing of Nabal on his own head." David sent and spoke concerning Abigail, to take her to him as wife.” 1 Samuel 25:39
By the examples of Sarah and Abigail, we can see that God will use a woman to fulfill his purposes when the man fails to listen and obey God. Men are appointed as the steward of the family to fulfill God’s will in the family. However, when the steward/husband fails to do his job, or when the husband falls out of the will of God, then the wife, his helpmate and partner, will be used by God to fulfill the purposes of God, or persuade the steward/husband to get back on the right track.
It was sin and the fall that caused men to rule over women, but God had other plans for husbands and wives. His plan is for the two of them to be one, to be co-heirs and partners. Yes, he did place man as a steward over the home, to watch over, serve, guide and protect his wife and children, but God never created little dictators. The same is true with wives. God did not create a woman to rule over men and turn her husband into her personal puppet. The wife should appreciate and respect the fact that God assigned a guardian-protector over her, who will love her, guide her and shield her. The husband should also count on his wife to be his shield, confidant, and a witness to confirm spiritual matters, support and a co-worker in their ministry.
What men tend to do is look at 1 Peter 3:6 and Genesis 18:12 and only see a submissive woman, with a slave-like mentality, serving her husband and fearfully calling him master and lord. For those who can’t see beyond this misinterpretation of scripture, let’s look at the true context about the life and marriage of Sarah and Abraham to get an accurate perspective. I doubt you will see a woman who is a slave to a dictator like husband.
1. God renamed Sarah – “God said to Abraham, "As for Sarai your wife, you shall not call her name Sarai, but her name will be Sarah. I will bless her, and moreover I will give you a son by her. Yes, I will bless her, and she will be a mother of nations. Kings of peoples will come from her." Genesis 17:15-16 WEB
Sarah’s name is rooted in the Hebrew word “sar” which means: chieftain, chief, ruler, official, captain, prince. Her name is the female version of a prince/ruler, which would be a princess/ruler. God said he would bless her and will make her the mother of nations and kings, which includes the Messiah who will come from her.
2. God told Abraham to listen to his wife – “God said to Abraham, "Don't let it be grievous in your sight because of the boy, and because of your handmaid. In all that Sarah says to you, listen to her voice. For from Isaac will your seed be called.” Genesis 21:12 WEB
Men, this proves God will speak through your wife when you need direction or fail to see the truth.
3. King Abimelech speaks direct to Sarah to compensate her – “To Sarah he said, "Behold, I have given your brother a thousand pieces of silver. Behold, it is for you a covering of the eyes to all that are with you. In front of all you are vindicated." Genesis 20:16 WEB The king addressed her directly, apologized to her directly.
4. Sarah maintained her own residence - It appears later in their lives that Abraham lived in Beersheba (Genesis 22:19) and Sarah may have maintained her own residence in Hebron (Genesis 23:2). The scriptures don’t tell us why or how long this separate residence occurred. Regardless of the length or reason for these separate locations, it just shows that Sarah was not relegated to being subservient to Abraham, but may have run her own household as he did.
We can see in scriptures that Abraham and Sarah did have their differences and that on at least one occasion God told Abraham to obey his wife when Abraham was wrong. God also confirmed her name as princess (chieftain, chief, and ruler), and to God names are very important in pointing to a person’s calling or destiny.
We say all this not to encourage rebellion and strife among a husband and wife, nor do we imply equality in the sexes, nor do we promote feminism, or suggest a wife should usurp authority over a husband. However, we feel there is a contextual pattern of evidence in the scriptures that proves our traditional mindset about the role of women is very different from the scriptural truth.
We see a pattern of partnership and cooperation between husbands and wives and not a bunch of men acting as dictators making women meaningless, bound, and silent. We also see when men fail to do right, then women have traditionally stepped up to do what needs to be done or say what needs to be said and God typically standby these women who standby his word and will. “For there is no partiality with God” Romans 2:11 WEB.
Like Sarah, who corrected Abraham when he was wrong, we can also find another example of God working through a wife when her husband was not doing right or operating outside the will of God. We list these examples just to show there is scriptural context showing God will go over the heads of men (the stewards of the family), when men are wrong. We have other examples, but we feel Sarah and Abigail will get the point across.
The example of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25:
“There was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel. Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail; and the woman was of good understanding, and of a beautiful face: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings” 1 Samuel 25:2-3 WEB.
Here we can see that the Abigail was a woman who was good, intelligent, understanding and wise, but her husband was wicked, stubborn and harsh.
David sent messengers to Nabal requesting help and provisions, but his reply back to David’s messengers was very arrogant and a complete refusal to help David and his men.
“Nabal answered David's servants, and said, "Who is David? Who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants who break away from their masters these days. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my meat that I have killed for my shearers, and give it to men who I don't know where they come from?" 1 Samuel 25:10-11 WEB.
But then word got back to his wife Abigail about how Nabal treated David’s messengers:
“But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, ‘Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to Greet our master; and he railed at them. But the men were very good to us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we anything, as long as we went with them, when we were in the fields. They were a wall to us both by night and by day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep. Now therefore know and consider what you will do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his house; for he is such a worthless fellow that one can't speak to him’.’’ 1 Samuel 25:14-17 WEB
What did Abigail do? Traditional Christianity, Hebrew Roots, or Messianic Judaism might advise Abigail to obey her husband regardless of his wickedness. They would point to scriptures about wives being submissive to their husbands, keeping silent and even if her husband is not a believer Abigail must obey him in everything he tells her to do. However, this is what tradition and human opinion tells us to do after they twist scriptures. So, do we follow tradition and twisted teaching, or should we follow the example of Abigail from what the word of God tells us Abigail actually did? Examples like Abigail’s are given to us to teach and admonish us to do what is right: “Now all these things happened to them by way of example, and they were written for our admonition, on whom the ends of the ages have come” 1 Corinthians 10:11 WEB.
So, did Abigail follow her wicked husband or did she follow her heart and do what she knew was right? Here’s the answer:
“Then Abigail hurried and took two hundred loaves of bread, two bottles of wine, five sheep ready dressed, five measures of parched grain, one hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on donkeys. She said to her young men, "Go on before me. Behold, I come after you." But she didn't tell her husband, Nabal. It was so, as she rode on her donkey, and came down by the covert of the mountain, that behold, David and his men came down toward her; and she met them” 1 Samuel 25:18-20 WEB
She went against her husband’s wickedness, piled up food and provisions and covertly met David and his men. Why did she do it? Because Abigail recognized that God was on David’s side and that David was destined to be king:
“Please don't let my lord regard this worthless fellow, even Nabal; for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name, and folly is with him; but I, your handmaid, didn't see the young men of my lord, whom you sent… It shall come to pass, when Yahweh has done to my lord according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you, and shall have appointed you prince over Israel, that this shall be no grief to you, nor offense of heart to my lord, either that you have shed blood without cause, or that my lord has avenged himself. When Yahweh has dealt well with my lord, then remember your handmaid." 1 Samuel 25:25, 30-31 WEB
What happened between Nabal and Abigail when he found out? The scriptures tell us:
“Abigail came to Nabal; and behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken. Therefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light. It happened in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, that his wife told him these things, and his heart died within him, and he became as a stone. It happened about ten days after, that Yahweh struck Nabal, so that he died.” 1 Samuel 25:36-38 WEB.
Yahweh defeated Nabal’s wickedness and as a result he died. So, was Abigail right in what she did? Well even David confirms judgment fell on Nabal, but the scriptures never condemn Abigail’s actions even though she disobeyed her wicked husband’s wishes.
“When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "Blessed is Yahweh, who has pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and has kept back his servant from evil. Yahweh has returned the evildoing of Nabal on his own head." David sent and spoke concerning Abigail, to take her to him as wife.” 1 Samuel 25:39
By the examples of Sarah and Abigail, we can see that God will use a woman to fulfill his purposes when the man fails to listen and obey God. Men are appointed as the steward of the family to fulfill God’s will in the family. However, when the steward/husband fails to do his job, or when the husband falls out of the will of God, then the wife, his helpmate and partner, will be used by God to fulfill the purposes of God, or persuade the steward/husband to get back on the right track.
1 Peter 3:6 analyzed in context
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. for after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” 1 Peter 3:1-7 KJV
1. “Likewise, ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands” –
A wife should not usurp authority over her husband and turn herself into a dictator over him just as its wrong for the husband to be a dictator over his family. Being in subjection is nothing more than loving your husband and recognizing his God given mission to be a steward of the family. Subjection is honoring his position as a steward and cooperating with him, so that the will of God and blessings of God flow to the family. Notice it is also telling a woman to be subject to her own husband. This means a woman should not replace her husband’s stewardship and put herself under the stewardship of another man as a type of “substitute” husband of her choosing.
However, this also does not mean a woman should be subject to ungodly orders, unholy demands nor should she accept abuse from her husband and be treated as if she lives in a prison. Sometimes she may have to seek help to escape abuse from her father, or Godly counselor.
2. “If any [husband] obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” – A wife can be a wonderful witness to their husbands who are not serving God, or living holy, by just showing their husband their holiness in their words and deeds.
3. “Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” – This is not meant to be a restriction on taking care of yourself, or looking beautiful in your outward appearance. What Peter is telling the women to do is be beautiful on the outside, but don’t stop there, because they should also work on their inner beauty showing the spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, being kind, being good, being true, being gentle, and have self-control.
4. “For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands” – Peter shows that many of the women in the scriptures showed examples of their love, patience, being kind, being true to their husbands and to God, in addition to many other virtues.
5. “Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement” – We have already gone in depth about Sarah and the understanding of what it meant by her “calling him lord.” We know that “lord” was a cultural custom during those times and a polite way people showed one another respect. It in no way implies that Peter is adding to the Torah and giving a commandment for women to call their husband lord and master, or even Sir. Since Sarah spoke this in her mind, what Peter may be showing is that women should have inner respect for their husbands and not a fake respect with empty words to please him.
6. “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” – Here is the part that few men continue to read or obey.
a. Likewise ye husbands– Peter just got done instructing the women to be respectful, to show spiritual fruit, to be subject to their husbands, and to work on developing their inner spirit, so now he is instructing men to do likewise. Peter then tells the husbands what they must do for their wives.
b. Dwell with them according to knowledge – Peter is telling the man to live with your wife and dwell together as the steward God called you to be, sharing your personal spiritual experience, your Godly wisdom, being an understanding person and sharing the knowledge God has revealed to you. Don’t live with your wife based off your own opinions, mistranslations of the scripture, man-made dogma and false teachings. Gain Godly wisdom and understanding, so you can interpret the scriptures properly and let God’s word be the foundation that you build your household upon.
c. Giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel – The husband must give honor to his wife. This word for honor in the Greek is “time” [Strongs Greek #5092] and it means more than our modern day understanding of honor. The Greek word used in this verse means a husband should look at his wife as something that in priceless, of high value, dignity, and it also means something or someone who outranks others, someone with pre-eminence. Does this mean the woman is over the man? No, but it means the man should view the woman as a great treasure, who is due respect and dignity, outranking others. The man should hold her up and protect her as he would anything else he treasures. Treat her as if she is a priceless, fragile peace of art that should be held delicately and protected from being destroyed. She is not only your treasure, but she is also God’s treasure, his daughter, and he assigned you to be the steward over her.
d. And as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered- This is the overall context of the scriptures from Genesis to Revelations, showing that men and women are both co-heirs and partners in God’s Kingdom. Men are not rulers who decide what share of God’s Kingdom women are allowed to receive. Who gave any man the right to put up a wall between God and women? Who gave men the right to limit a woman from serving God or experiencing his glory and power? Who gave men the right to block her from reading the scriptures, seeking wisdom and better understanding of his word? You won’t find any of this authority granted to men.
Husbands must treat their wives as if the woman is equally entitled to God’s inheritance, his promises, and the fullness of his kingdom just as any man is entitled to receiving the same. Your wife is your co-heir to the treasures of the heavenly kingdom.
1. “Likewise, ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands” –
A wife should not usurp authority over her husband and turn herself into a dictator over him just as its wrong for the husband to be a dictator over his family. Being in subjection is nothing more than loving your husband and recognizing his God given mission to be a steward of the family. Subjection is honoring his position as a steward and cooperating with him, so that the will of God and blessings of God flow to the family. Notice it is also telling a woman to be subject to her own husband. This means a woman should not replace her husband’s stewardship and put herself under the stewardship of another man as a type of “substitute” husband of her choosing.
However, this also does not mean a woman should be subject to ungodly orders, unholy demands nor should she accept abuse from her husband and be treated as if she lives in a prison. Sometimes she may have to seek help to escape abuse from her father, or Godly counselor.
2. “If any [husband] obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” – A wife can be a wonderful witness to their husbands who are not serving God, or living holy, by just showing their husband their holiness in their words and deeds.
3. “Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” – This is not meant to be a restriction on taking care of yourself, or looking beautiful in your outward appearance. What Peter is telling the women to do is be beautiful on the outside, but don’t stop there, because they should also work on their inner beauty showing the spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, being kind, being good, being true, being gentle, and have self-control.
4. “For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands” – Peter shows that many of the women in the scriptures showed examples of their love, patience, being kind, being true to their husbands and to God, in addition to many other virtues.
5. “Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement” – We have already gone in depth about Sarah and the understanding of what it meant by her “calling him lord.” We know that “lord” was a cultural custom during those times and a polite way people showed one another respect. It in no way implies that Peter is adding to the Torah and giving a commandment for women to call their husband lord and master, or even Sir. Since Sarah spoke this in her mind, what Peter may be showing is that women should have inner respect for their husbands and not a fake respect with empty words to please him.
6. “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” – Here is the part that few men continue to read or obey.
a. Likewise ye husbands– Peter just got done instructing the women to be respectful, to show spiritual fruit, to be subject to their husbands, and to work on developing their inner spirit, so now he is instructing men to do likewise. Peter then tells the husbands what they must do for their wives.
b. Dwell with them according to knowledge – Peter is telling the man to live with your wife and dwell together as the steward God called you to be, sharing your personal spiritual experience, your Godly wisdom, being an understanding person and sharing the knowledge God has revealed to you. Don’t live with your wife based off your own opinions, mistranslations of the scripture, man-made dogma and false teachings. Gain Godly wisdom and understanding, so you can interpret the scriptures properly and let God’s word be the foundation that you build your household upon.
c. Giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel – The husband must give honor to his wife. This word for honor in the Greek is “time” [Strongs Greek #5092] and it means more than our modern day understanding of honor. The Greek word used in this verse means a husband should look at his wife as something that in priceless, of high value, dignity, and it also means something or someone who outranks others, someone with pre-eminence. Does this mean the woman is over the man? No, but it means the man should view the woman as a great treasure, who is due respect and dignity, outranking others. The man should hold her up and protect her as he would anything else he treasures. Treat her as if she is a priceless, fragile peace of art that should be held delicately and protected from being destroyed. She is not only your treasure, but she is also God’s treasure, his daughter, and he assigned you to be the steward over her.
d. And as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered- This is the overall context of the scriptures from Genesis to Revelations, showing that men and women are both co-heirs and partners in God’s Kingdom. Men are not rulers who decide what share of God’s Kingdom women are allowed to receive. Who gave any man the right to put up a wall between God and women? Who gave men the right to limit a woman from serving God or experiencing his glory and power? Who gave men the right to block her from reading the scriptures, seeking wisdom and better understanding of his word? You won’t find any of this authority granted to men.
Husbands must treat their wives as if the woman is equally entitled to God’s inheritance, his promises, and the fullness of his kingdom just as any man is entitled to receiving the same. Your wife is your co-heir to the treasures of the heavenly kingdom.
A message to husbands and wives
The bottom line of this study and ebook is to put an accurate, scriptural perspective on the marriage covenant. Couples often look at their marriage as only being a relationship between two people (husband & wife), but the marriage covenant is an agreement between the husband, wife and God. From a larger perspective, the marriage covenant branches off into other covenants between parents and children, family and even to the church.
If the core relationship between the husband and wife fails, then often you will see deterioration with other relationships. Problems usually develop when relationships are out of balance, or when one party in the covenant fails to live up to their biblical responsibility.
Many have taught or read about biblical marriage with half the facts. Everyone can quote “Wives be submissive to your husband,” but how many of these people can quickly quote the duty a husband owes his wife and family? You probably find the percentage of those who can quote the full list of a husband’s duty to be very small. This lack of understanding stems from centuries of flawed teaching in churches and synagogues.
What do wives and husbands need to do?
Love – The highest duty believers have is to love. “Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. A second likewise is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40 WEB
These scriptures tell us to love God, but to also love those near us. You can’t get someone any nearer to you than your spouse. You and your spouse are one flesh (Genesis 2:24 and Mark 10:8), you’re told to treat others the same way you want to be treated (Luke 6:31), and to love others as you love yourself (Mark 12:31).
- Would you physically abuse yourself?
- Would you curse yourself?
- Would you verbally abuse yourself?
- Would you deny yourself access to all that God has for you?
Why would you be abusive to your spouse if you wouldn’t want to be abused yourself? Don’t you know that your abusive attitude and actions are a violation of the main commandments and duties we have as believers?
The other issue about love is that we interpret love from our modern, cultural understanding, rather than the scriptural definition of love. There are extreme differences from today’s mindset about love compared to how God defines love. We need to learn the difference.
Today, we hear people in the church that praise sin because they think it is loving to allow people to do what they want. They think it is hateful to speak out against sin and to lead people to repentance and guide them to live holy. This is not love! Actually, this is hateful, because you’re giving people a false hope that they will not be condemned for their sins and it’s cowardly because you’re afraid of what people will think about you if you speak the truth, defend the scriptures and actually live holy yourself.
On the other extreme, there are people with twisted minds in the church that say its ok if a man abuses his wife or kids in order to keep them in check. These people think abuse is not wrong, but actually very loving when a man beats his wife and kids, or verbally abuse them like a drill sergeant. Read the scriptures and learn what love is all about, such as the example of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 WEB and see if you see abuse as a form of love:
“Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”
Responsibility – What is your responsibility as a husband? What is your responsibility as a wife? When we take on a new job we typically have a period of training where we learn to do the job right. If we have a bad trainer on our job and we are not trained properly, then we will fail at the job. If our boss discovers your performance is not what it should be, you should accept his advice and try to improve. How have you been trained? Who taught you to be a husband or a wife? Whose marriage example are you following?
You need to forget about your past training or past examples, especially if they are wrong. We need to return back to the company manual - the SCRIPTURES. Of course, I am using this earthly example to relate it to marriage, which means you need to dump all your flawed ideas, doctrines and flawed examples about marriage and get back to the Word of God. You need to see what it says about your duties as a husband, your duty as a wife and both your duties as parents. You will be amazed when you read the bible for yourself, how much error you have been taught your whole life concerning marriage and the duties of each spouse. Let’s just look at a few duties of the husband and you will probably see some new things you have never seen before.
Husbands Duties:
1. Ephesians 5:25 WEB– “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it.”
2. Colossians 3:19 WEB – “Husbands, love your wives, and don't be bitter against them.”
3. 1 Peter 3:7 WEB – “giving honor to the woman”.
4. 1 Peter 3:7 WEB – “live with your wives according to knowledge.”
5. 1 Peter 3:7 WEB – “[live with your wives] as being also joint heirs of the grace of life; that your prayers may not be hindered.”
6. Proverbs 5:18 WEB – “Rejoice in the wife…”
7. Proverbs 5:19 WEB – “Be captivated always with her love”
8. Ephesians 5:23-30 WEB - “For the husband is the head of the wife, and Christ also is the head of the assembly, being himself the savior of the body. But as the assembly is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the assembly to himself gloriously, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord also does the assembly; because we are members of his body, of his flesh and bones.”
[Yes, men may be the head (Steward) over the wife, but with that title comes great responsibility. A man must love his wife; help sanctify her with God’s word, nourish her, help her to live holy and gloriously, treat her as you would treat yourself, and most of all you need to cherish your wife. She is just as much a part of the body of Yeshua as men are]
9. Exodus 21:10 WEB - “He [husband] shall not diminish her [his wife’s] food, her clothing, and her marital rights” [The Torah says if he does deny her these things then she has the right to leave without owing the man anything, see vs. 11 and see 1 Corinthians 7:3].
10. Ephesians 5:21 WEB – “subjecting yourselves one to another in the fear of Christ.”
11. Philippians 2:3 WEB – “doing nothing through rivalry or through conceit, but in humility, each counting others better than himself”
12. Ephesians 4:29-32 WEB – “Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for building up as the need may be, that it may give grace to those who hear. Don't grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.”
13. 1 Timothy 5:8 WEB – “But if anyone doesn't provide for his own, and especially his own household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.”
14. Malachi 2:14-15 WEB – “Yet you say, 'Why?' Because Yahweh has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion, and the wife of your covenant. Did he not make you one, although he had the residue of the Spirit? Why one? He sought a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.”
15. Exodus 20:14 WEB – "You shall not commit adultery.”
16. Matthew 5:27- WEB – "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery; ‘but I tell you that everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
17. 2 Timothy 3:2- WEB – “For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, no lovers of good, traitors, headstrong, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God; holding a form of godliness, but having denied its power. Turn away from these, also.”
18. Titus 1:6 WEB – “if anyone is blameless, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, who are not accused of loose or unruly behavior.”
19. 1 Timothy 3:2-5 WEB – “…without reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate, sensible, modest, hospitable, good at teaching; not a drunkard, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; one who rules his own house well, having children in subjection with all reverence; (but if a man doesn't know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the assembly of God?)”
Numbers 18 and 19 are related to elders and overseers of the church, but they should be examples for every husband to follow and live up to also. One day, God may call you to serve his assembly (church) and you will need to be prepared and ready for his service.
These are just a few examples of a husband’s duty. You will notice that some are not specific to the roll of a husband, but they are things expected out of every believer. Therefore, why wouldn’t you do them in your home? Why wouldn’t you treat your wife and kids this way, or are you just doing things in the public, but behind closed doors you’re living another way? If this is the case, you should feel a heavy conviction for your hypocricy and start making changes right now.
Before this book comes to a conclusion, we have to say that just because we did not list the duties of a wife, does not mean they don’t exist. Wives need to search the scriptures and find their responsibilities also. However, when you study, dig deep to discover the real meaning based on the original words of Hebrew or Greek. Look at the entirety of the scriptures for your examples and don’t be lazy by relying on a man-made doctrines or flawed teachings that only give you half-truths. Seek real revelation of the scriptures through prayer and study. We need the full truth of God to set us free from the yoke of false teaching and oppressive traditions. False teachings may have a little truth mixed with error, but if you seek the whole truth you should easily see the flaws.
The best advice to follow is to follow after God’s love. It’s hard to do wrong to another person when you love them as God loves them. Be Godly, be holy and treat your wife, treat your husband, as you would want them to treat you and you shouldn’t go wrong.
If the core relationship between the husband and wife fails, then often you will see deterioration with other relationships. Problems usually develop when relationships are out of balance, or when one party in the covenant fails to live up to their biblical responsibility.
Many have taught or read about biblical marriage with half the facts. Everyone can quote “Wives be submissive to your husband,” but how many of these people can quickly quote the duty a husband owes his wife and family? You probably find the percentage of those who can quote the full list of a husband’s duty to be very small. This lack of understanding stems from centuries of flawed teaching in churches and synagogues.
What do wives and husbands need to do?
Love – The highest duty believers have is to love. “Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. A second likewise is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40 WEB
These scriptures tell us to love God, but to also love those near us. You can’t get someone any nearer to you than your spouse. You and your spouse are one flesh (Genesis 2:24 and Mark 10:8), you’re told to treat others the same way you want to be treated (Luke 6:31), and to love others as you love yourself (Mark 12:31).
- Would you physically abuse yourself?
- Would you curse yourself?
- Would you verbally abuse yourself?
- Would you deny yourself access to all that God has for you?
Why would you be abusive to your spouse if you wouldn’t want to be abused yourself? Don’t you know that your abusive attitude and actions are a violation of the main commandments and duties we have as believers?
The other issue about love is that we interpret love from our modern, cultural understanding, rather than the scriptural definition of love. There are extreme differences from today’s mindset about love compared to how God defines love. We need to learn the difference.
Today, we hear people in the church that praise sin because they think it is loving to allow people to do what they want. They think it is hateful to speak out against sin and to lead people to repentance and guide them to live holy. This is not love! Actually, this is hateful, because you’re giving people a false hope that they will not be condemned for their sins and it’s cowardly because you’re afraid of what people will think about you if you speak the truth, defend the scriptures and actually live holy yourself.
On the other extreme, there are people with twisted minds in the church that say its ok if a man abuses his wife or kids in order to keep them in check. These people think abuse is not wrong, but actually very loving when a man beats his wife and kids, or verbally abuse them like a drill sergeant. Read the scriptures and learn what love is all about, such as the example of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 WEB and see if you see abuse as a form of love:
“Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”
Responsibility – What is your responsibility as a husband? What is your responsibility as a wife? When we take on a new job we typically have a period of training where we learn to do the job right. If we have a bad trainer on our job and we are not trained properly, then we will fail at the job. If our boss discovers your performance is not what it should be, you should accept his advice and try to improve. How have you been trained? Who taught you to be a husband or a wife? Whose marriage example are you following?
You need to forget about your past training or past examples, especially if they are wrong. We need to return back to the company manual - the SCRIPTURES. Of course, I am using this earthly example to relate it to marriage, which means you need to dump all your flawed ideas, doctrines and flawed examples about marriage and get back to the Word of God. You need to see what it says about your duties as a husband, your duty as a wife and both your duties as parents. You will be amazed when you read the bible for yourself, how much error you have been taught your whole life concerning marriage and the duties of each spouse. Let’s just look at a few duties of the husband and you will probably see some new things you have never seen before.
Husbands Duties:
1. Ephesians 5:25 WEB– “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it.”
2. Colossians 3:19 WEB – “Husbands, love your wives, and don't be bitter against them.”
3. 1 Peter 3:7 WEB – “giving honor to the woman”.
4. 1 Peter 3:7 WEB – “live with your wives according to knowledge.”
5. 1 Peter 3:7 WEB – “[live with your wives] as being also joint heirs of the grace of life; that your prayers may not be hindered.”
6. Proverbs 5:18 WEB – “Rejoice in the wife…”
7. Proverbs 5:19 WEB – “Be captivated always with her love”
8. Ephesians 5:23-30 WEB - “For the husband is the head of the wife, and Christ also is the head of the assembly, being himself the savior of the body. But as the assembly is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the assembly to himself gloriously, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord also does the assembly; because we are members of his body, of his flesh and bones.”
[Yes, men may be the head (Steward) over the wife, but with that title comes great responsibility. A man must love his wife; help sanctify her with God’s word, nourish her, help her to live holy and gloriously, treat her as you would treat yourself, and most of all you need to cherish your wife. She is just as much a part of the body of Yeshua as men are]
9. Exodus 21:10 WEB - “He [husband] shall not diminish her [his wife’s] food, her clothing, and her marital rights” [The Torah says if he does deny her these things then she has the right to leave without owing the man anything, see vs. 11 and see 1 Corinthians 7:3].
10. Ephesians 5:21 WEB – “subjecting yourselves one to another in the fear of Christ.”
11. Philippians 2:3 WEB – “doing nothing through rivalry or through conceit, but in humility, each counting others better than himself”
12. Ephesians 4:29-32 WEB – “Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for building up as the need may be, that it may give grace to those who hear. Don't grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.”
13. 1 Timothy 5:8 WEB – “But if anyone doesn't provide for his own, and especially his own household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.”
14. Malachi 2:14-15 WEB – “Yet you say, 'Why?' Because Yahweh has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion, and the wife of your covenant. Did he not make you one, although he had the residue of the Spirit? Why one? He sought a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.”
15. Exodus 20:14 WEB – "You shall not commit adultery.”
16. Matthew 5:27- WEB – "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery; ‘but I tell you that everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
17. 2 Timothy 3:2- WEB – “For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, no lovers of good, traitors, headstrong, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God; holding a form of godliness, but having denied its power. Turn away from these, also.”
18. Titus 1:6 WEB – “if anyone is blameless, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, who are not accused of loose or unruly behavior.”
19. 1 Timothy 3:2-5 WEB – “…without reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate, sensible, modest, hospitable, good at teaching; not a drunkard, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; one who rules his own house well, having children in subjection with all reverence; (but if a man doesn't know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the assembly of God?)”
Numbers 18 and 19 are related to elders and overseers of the church, but they should be examples for every husband to follow and live up to also. One day, God may call you to serve his assembly (church) and you will need to be prepared and ready for his service.
These are just a few examples of a husband’s duty. You will notice that some are not specific to the roll of a husband, but they are things expected out of every believer. Therefore, why wouldn’t you do them in your home? Why wouldn’t you treat your wife and kids this way, or are you just doing things in the public, but behind closed doors you’re living another way? If this is the case, you should feel a heavy conviction for your hypocricy and start making changes right now.
Before this book comes to a conclusion, we have to say that just because we did not list the duties of a wife, does not mean they don’t exist. Wives need to search the scriptures and find their responsibilities also. However, when you study, dig deep to discover the real meaning based on the original words of Hebrew or Greek. Look at the entirety of the scriptures for your examples and don’t be lazy by relying on a man-made doctrines or flawed teachings that only give you half-truths. Seek real revelation of the scriptures through prayer and study. We need the full truth of God to set us free from the yoke of false teaching and oppressive traditions. False teachings may have a little truth mixed with error, but if you seek the whole truth you should easily see the flaws.
The best advice to follow is to follow after God’s love. It’s hard to do wrong to another person when you love them as God loves them. Be Godly, be holy and treat your wife, treat your husband, as you would want them to treat you and you shouldn’t go wrong.
